Beverley's
experience:
My first experience of what it is like to suffer
from panic disorder and anxiety began in 1987 when I was working as a long haul
flight attendant based in Sydney, Australia.
I
remember vividly being in a large department store in London on a cold, December
day. I was browsing through the Christmas cards and admiring the decorations and
Christmas trees when suddenly my heart began to pound, my hands felt hot and sweaty,
I felt dizzy and I had an impulsive desire to rush outside into the cold London
air. Once outside, these frightening symptoms began to subside but my legs felt
decidedly wobbly and as I walked back to the hotel, I felt a sense of unease and
fear. I couldn't imagine what was the matter with me, but as I developed a severe
cold the following day, I put that first initial panic attack down to the onset
of my cold. I flew back to Singapore two days later and stayed in bed for the
duration of my layover there, but on the third day decided to venture downstairs
to the supermarket to buy juice and fruit. I distinctly remember the fluorescent
lights annoying my eyes and when I was standing in the queue at the checkout,
that frightening rush of energy appeared again. I left my grocery items on the
counter and fled back to my room. All I could think of was getting back to Sydney
- I had the ridiculous notion that once back in my own surroundings, those dreadful
sensations would disappear and all would be well again. Of course, this was not
the case - panic attacks began to appear for no apparent reason whenever I was
in a supermarket, in a queue at the bank, held up in traffic or when I was trying
to have a conversation with friends and appear 'normal'.
After
enduring this strange behaviour I had developed I decided to seek medical help
and visited the local GP. In the past I had found him to be helpful and sympathetic,
but on this occasion he seemed to think I was looking for an excuse for time away
from my work - which in a way I was, but not for the reasons he assumed! I left
the surgery feeling abandoned and helpless. What was wrong with me? How could
I function with these strange sensations jumping out at me? How would I be able
to continue with my job? Thoughts such as these raced through my head until I
almost drove myself insane.
My
life continued on in this 'avoidance' fashion with me gradually withdrawing more
and more into myself. It wasn't long before the supermarket became a no-go area,
as did airports, but interestingly I was almost always fine when on board the
aircraft. I took time off work thinking if I rested all would be well, but nothing
helped. I changed GP's and was referred to a psychiatrist who prescribed a variety
of vile drugs that made me feel like a zombie and out of control. Luckily I had
the sense to stop taking them - the panic and anxiety was preferable to losing
my mind.
What
I find astonishing now, as I look back at those awful times, is that nobody said
to me "You are suffering from panic disorder. Your symptoms are normal for this
condition." This revelation didn't come until years later when my husband, who
had spent hours doing research in the library, seeking help from university professors,
priests and self-help therapists, came across a book by Clare Weekes called 'Self
help For Your Nerves'. As I read the book, I realised I had been tricked into
this state of seclusion by my nerves, but how to get out of it now was a different
matter. I was virtually housebound. I didn't receive visitors, answer the phone,
go to work or spend any time in the garden. I became depressed and even watching
television would deplete my energy and bring on another panic attack. I stopped
exercising and spent my days crying and wondering how to escape this living hell.
My
husband took endless days off work when I would cry and beg him to stay home with
me. I was afraid of being alone and he knew this, but how could we continue like
this? I was too wrapped up in my suffering at this stage to see what pressure
I was putting him under, but being the type of person he is, he stayed focused
and his goal was to get me better.
One
day, Phil arrived home from the library with a tape called 'Nervous Breakthrough'
by psychologist Ron Farmer. Phil learned that Ron Farmer had suffered a similar
fate himself and thought this might be the breakthrough we needed. He was right.
I listened to that tape over and over again, renewing it again and again at the
library. On days when I could do little else, I would listen to the tape and it
would bring a certain measure of peace to my troubled mind. I also listened to
tapes by Jack Kornfield about 'A Path With Heart'. Together I began to see my
life starting to take shape. Cognitive behaviour therapy didn't really work for
me - I could go to the supermarket one day without any problems at all, then the
following day I would flee back to the car as soon as we reached the door. No,
the tapes were far more helpful.
Over
a period of a couple of years, my life began to move on. I developed different
attitudes; I changed my thoughts on certain issues completely and as I grew into
this new person, my fears gradually disappeared all by themselves. I won't say
it was easy because at times progress was slow, but the rewards are so sweet now.
I view life in a completely different way, I appreciate my husband in a way that
I never would have been aware of before my anxiety took hold, and feel a peace
I didn't know existed even before that fateful day in London all those years ago.
I
live and work in Warwickshire, England now. I travel ten miles a day to and from
work in heavy traffic, deal with people in a busy job, visit friends when I feel
like it, go shopping if I need to and live what most people would describe as
a 'normal' life. However, when I am sitting in the traffic, rain pouring down
onto my windscreen, I often think of the times I couldn't do this and smile to
myself. I still feel anxiety and panic at times, but it holds no fear for me now
and I go back to the basics - it never fails me
Beverley
NSW, Australia |
Hi Ron, Thank you for your wonderful letter... I will respond to it in the near future. Would you like to add the following testimonial to others on the website? I would feel honored if you do.
Ron Farmer is an excellent therapist. I can say that even though I have not personally met Ron. How can I say this then? Because I live in the United States and Ron lives in Australia I have done phone conversations. Whether I have been depressed or in a state of panic, Ron's reassuring voice has consistently guided me back to the light.. The light is that place of calmness, relaxation and peace. What makes Ron unique is his vast knowledge of Western and Eastern philosophies and healing modalities. These include meditations, visualizations, affirmations, teachings, and specific book recommendations. In addition, it is Ron's patience and non-judgemental attitude that make him a wonderful and compassionate listener. One can feel safe and comfortable revealing to him those thoughts, emotions, and behaviors that are causing pain. Like a wounded child who needs guidance and assurance from a loving parent, Ron fills that role while respecting that each of us has the knowledge within. Lastly, it is Ron's openness and honesty in revealing his own challenges, struggles, and difficulties that create a connection, a connection that helps to guide one along that challenging journey from the darkness to the light.
Have a great weekend
with love
J.B. New York City, USA. |
