Dear Mary,
Yes these types of fearful thoughts are very common to people who have been having panic attacks and intrusive thoughts. I told you on the phone today about the intrusive thought that I had for many years - less as time went on, and even now occasionally - which was that of picking up a sharp knife and stabbing someone close to me, so for the first year or so after my breakdown I avoided looking at any sharp knives.
My understanding of this in a higher spiritual sense is that our Higher Self wants us to progress more rapidly than usual in identifying all of our anger, resentment, annoyance, envy, blame and finding fault and to expunge it or transmute it or give it to God in a giant sewer pipe, whatever suits you best. And so a loud alarm clock goes off in the form of the intrusive thought about doing violence to others, and this makes us sit up and take notice and do something about it. It's also for the sake of the world I think. There is so much anger, cruelty, neglect and violence in the world today that it is threatening to destroy the planet. And so some people have to go through radical transformations to become the beacons of gentleness and understanding, tolerance and love to radiate this 'light' out to all around and play an important part in cleansing the world of anger and violence.
Of course there is no chance that you would physically harm anyone at all. It's just that the hidden anger in you needed to be magnified so you could see it. When a scientist puts an electron microscope on and points it at the human skin, what you see at 10,000 times magnification does not look like the skin, at all. When a political cartoonist makes a drawing of the Prime Minister, it has enough resemblance for us to recognise him, even though some of his features are distorted and exaggerated - if he drew him as he really looks, nobody would take any notice. And so what is in our subconscious needs to be magnified, exaggerated and made very horrible so that we will take notice, otherwise we would hardly bother to change at all because there is no urgency about it. Most people stay 'asleep' for all of their lives in the sense that they are not aware that certain habitual ways of thinking and behaving are causing great stress to others. An intrusive thought of doing violence to others is so disturbing to a person who tries hard to be a good person that it stirs us into action to reform ourselves.
We have just finished recording our latest CD which is called 'Transmuting Anger'. It is beautiful and powerful and will help many people. This CD would never have come into existence if I had not had the intrusive, shockingly 'real' thought that I would stab someone, 35 years ago. the Higher Self does not make mistakes. Everything is there for a very good reason.
Of course another important value of being afflicted with such intrusive thoughts is that it impels us to begin monitoring our thoughts and distancing ourselves from them. We are not our thoughts. We are the observer of our thoughts. Most thoughts are not at all useful. It helps to learn that we don't have to believe everything we think. Most of my thoughts are rubbish so I treat them like rubbish, put them outside the 'house', give them to God or the Universe or transmute them into 'gold' or thoughts of Absolute Truth. That is, we should observe our thoughts, allow thoughts to come into the mind, but not follow the thoughts. We can let the thoughts go wherever they choose but we do not have to follow them. In other words, do not be a slave to the thoughts in the mind. Master the mind. Become a Mastermind.
Last but not least: The antidote to fear is love. Fear is the shadow of love. It cannot exist by itself. A shadow always points towards the light. Something is blocking the light. Fear is always pointing towards a higher level of loving, waiting inside us to be revealed and released. Something is blocking that love from coming into consciousness. Eliminate all negative thinking, love more and more people more of the time, welcome criticism and even insults and respond to them with understanding silence. Study the higher level teachings on love, write out for yourself those passages which resonate with you, and then try to put them into practice.
I hope that some of the above is helpful and that you learn to stay centred or at least tame the dragon which is breathing fire on you to galvanise you into being the warrior that you truly are. You have been so brave, come so far, attained so much, gained so much insight and wisdom, opened your heart to love more and more, loved your little boy and devoted yourself to being the best wife, daughter and daughter-in-law that you can. Your son could not have a better mother, believe me. There are no mistakes in who is put together in a family.
Keep practising your mantra and breathing meditation. Plant only 'flowers' in the garden of your mind, until there is no room for weeds. Trust in goodness, trust in love, trust in the Self that you truly are. How could you possibly do anything to physically hurt anyone? To the contrary, you have a great mission in the world as a loving mother, wife, and a leader of others towards the light of love.
Namaste
Ron, and Suwanti sends you her beautiful love too. |
